Lacking the initiating spark..

I have never been this happy-go-lucky happening girl in life. Life is all the same down the lane and worsening as days and years pass by. All my aspirations always just in words, but very rarely put into action. I just want to kill my laziness. I want to become my own old self. On a holiday, what would any other girl do..Try cooking,dress up,call friends home or hang out at movies,cafes or atleast study if she is a nerd. But never am I doing all this right now or even nowadays. Surprisingly today I am doing one useful thing, writing it in a blogpost. Feeling disheartened at seeing myself. I want a change! But damn, I dont even have the habit of reading a proper novel, or go out for a good movie, watch a movie atleast on television (Am cursing myself). Its true, I always want people to run errands for me. I know I can never expect it all my life because at one point of time I will have my own family and responsibilities. I am wondering what I am going to and manage at that time. I am just a normal girl, but no less aspirations-always wanted to be the happening one,but never succeeded or even tried to step into that world. 'Happening' does not mean gorgeous,trendy, or wanting to have looks at which people will raise eyebrows. I have put down that word here in the meaning of , what to say, ok 'being active'. I am worried,when will I learn all this?!

I have tried cooking, but not more than making a potato curry or curry out of other veggies. Coming to make-up, that every girl always loves to put on.. ask me what is a mascara,I swear I do not know..I came to know what a 'foundation' means only when I was in my first year of college,anyway I don't have own. I do not own a lipstick either, so no questions about even eye liners or lipglosses because they are all aliens to me. My hair-do, no way.. I am not going to even talk about here! And my wardrobe, nowadays I don't even mind what I wear to any place. I just don't bother about who is going to comment about what.I just want to look decent and wear something that protects me and not provocates! My collection has the same old boring clothes,salwars in which either the salwar or the kameez doesn't suit me properly, blame the tailor or blame me who chose the wrong place to stitch my clothes! My peers usually buy a lot of salwars at a stretch, but I never haven't understood why I should not. When I decide to buy like them, there comes my mom's frowning face. "Mom, did I even ask you to buy clothes for me from Globus or Westside or Lifestyle? Have I ever asked you to? "(though i have wished to own such highstyle stuff)

But now too I thank God because I have not ran short of anything in life, everything is sufficient for my living. But at times either its one of these cases: I wish something,but no freedom to do it or I have the freedom, but I don't wish to do it or frankly 'lack the initial spark'. Like how I am now sitting at home today doing nothing, because mom is off to work, dad is off to official meeting, and am here at home all alone,eating my breakfast at 11 am, having lunch at 4 pm,sleeping,at times crying to myself for no reason..Pls I dont know what has happened to me. Loneliness is encouraging my laziness. I definitely dont want to be a loser.

I think of my childhood, when even on holidays I used to do something or the other like stitching a shabby dress for my barbie,making mango ice cream, making bracelets and stuff out of beads and threads,reading tinkle comics,playing and trying to cook those dry leaves in our garden using my own traditional 'choppu',painting tiles,and so much more..I envy the little haripriya who was so much active. And God I do not know why I am becoming like this now..

Only thing that is still living in me is those slapstick jokes I crack while talking to friends and loads of love for people who really love me and care for me(in words and actions,not just being materialistic) and show interest in my life and career's 'progress'. I feel a bit happy on this part that this lazygoose in me doesn't interfere in this alone.Thank you my dear lazydevil inside me.And do tell me when you will leave me and go?!

-HP